Lylah's Newsletter - Lylah speaks...
Volume 3, Issue 3 - March 15 '99
Dean's out running errands, so I'm taking this opportunity to refute several erroneous statements he made about me in a recent email. Dean's OK, as humans go but, like most members of his arrogant species, he presumes to know what's going on inside our heads, when in fact he only sees what we choose to reveal.
In spite of the fact that I lack thumbs, I am quite capable of reading and writing and happen to be an exceptional speller (I don't have to rely on spell-checkers like most of you). I learned to type using Mavis Beacon software (version 3.5) and if they made the keys on this keyboard a little larger I'm quite confident that I'd be able to type over 80 words per minute.
Furthermore, I am not 'fat'. Nor do I consider myself 'tubular'. I prefer to think of myself as 'big boned' or what my dear mother used to refer to as 'pleasantly plump'. Dean should know better than to make disparaging remarks about one's size, as a person's body shape is irrelevant - what matters is what's on the inside - and I apologize on his behalf to any of his fans who may have been offended by his thoughtlessness.
Many of you may be surprised to learn that I have received dozens of emails this past week from your own pets, expressing their strong support of my position. This is email that was written on your own computers while you were out of the house or asleep. This may help explain why you keep finding so much animal hair and/or feathers in your alphanumeric keyboard. Pets are not stupid but the truth is we only use the internet when we're extremely bored because the truth is our innate means of wireless communication is vastly superior to your primitive internet and always has been.
The point is - and please don't think me rude in saying this - you shouldn't presume to know what a dog thinks unless you walk on four paws and are covered in hair. Merely having fleas doesn't qualify.
Thanks for hearing me out.
Oh, one other thing, I notice on Dean's desk a reminder of his upcoming radio broadcast (tomorrow night) Saturday evening March 13th at 8pm on BBC Radio 2. The details are:
Dean Friedman In Concert on BBC Radio 2 - 8pm
Remember that's BBC 'Radio' 2! DO NOT set your VCR's!
(Do you need a license to listen to BBC Radio 2 too?)
Anyway, that's all I had to say. Well, except for one last thing...
Dogs like a belly rub now and then and a nice scratch behind the ears is always appreciated. I won't pretend to speak for cats - if you ask me, they're from another planet altogether.
Perhaps I've said too much.
Enjoy your weekend.
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