DeanZine - November 2004
Hi Amelia
I have long since held the belief that animals such as yourself and others have a far larger brain than they are given credit for and can decipher things humans can only scratch the surface of, as a result. Being an animal, myself - a rather clever nay cute border collie dog - I wonder can you riddle this: My sister doesn't play catch or fetch with the humans. Throw anything - a stick, frisbee or ball - and she just smirks as it flies over her head. I on the other hand love the feel of the fetch. I like nothing more than retrieving an erstwhile volleyed branch, swung high into the air and snuffling it out from the summer overgrowth with my snout to bring it back to the human purveyor. Are dogs the only animals who like playing catch, or do you, knowing your propensity for trees, like to play this game too or is it something most girls hate?
The Dog :} P.S The Humans (Sinead & Jho) say 'Hi Dean'
Dear Dog,
There's no question that humans have a long way to go in overcoming their xenophobia and speciesism. They're curious creatures; intent on defining themselves as innately superior, top of the foodchain, and all that, despite the ease with which they can be laid low by a single celled organism with no brain. And yet despite their foolishness, arrogance and immaturity they do have some redeeming features: they excel at frivolous pursuits such as hand-gliding, snooker and genetic engineering, activities with little practical value but which seem to distract them from their more obnoxious habits such as deforestation and genocide. As for the question of playing 'catch', it seems to me that most creatures are possessed of some sort of prey reflex which causes them to instinctively chase or lunge after a fleeing object/creature. A distinction seems to be how far they're willing to move. I've observed that cats will play with a dangled feather or string but not if it means moving more than a few feet from their spot. Whereas dogs will chase a car for 10 city blocks and still not fathom their indigestibility. As for myself, I have a preference for insects in motion and am quite adept at grabbing bumble bees and wasps in mid-flight with my bare hands. The fat, fuzzy, honey-bees are particularly juicy (and nutritious). However, much as I love snatching a buzzing snack out of mid-air, I have no affinity for inanimate objects such as balls, frisbees or cars. I don't believe it's a gender based behavior though. Interesting fact: Alison's dog Jessie Jane, a female Doberman, came in third place in the 1984 Cycle Dogfood 'Catch & Fetch' Frisbee contest. There were only three dogs entered, but just the same, she sure could catch that Frisbee. Dean's dog Barker was a great frsibee catcher too, but he never wanted to bring it back!
Dear Amelia
I live with my husband, a cat and a dog, all three of which sleep in bed with me. Lately my husband has complained about not being able to put his arm around me at night because I'm cuddled up with the animals. I enjoy their coziness and warmth and wish he weren't so jealous of the attention I give them. He's particularly annoyed by the male cat, which he snidely refers to as my 'boyfriend'; meanwhile, for years he's tried convincing me to have a threesome. I can't help but feel that if the cat were a female he would be more amenable to the sleeping arrangements. Can you offer any solutions to our dilemma?
SnuggleBunny
Dear SnuggleBunny,
Tell Dean that he should just be thankful you never brought home that Vietnamese Pot-Bellied Pig you had your eye on a while back and that animals in bed can help save on heating bills during those long cold winter nights. As for a threesome, they're not all they're cracked up to be; there's always an odd-man/woman/monkey out. Besides, he's not as young as he used to be and, quite frankly, I don't really think he's up to it!
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