DeanZine - April 2004
From: Confused
Subject: 'Letters to the Editor'
Text: Dear Editor,
One thing that's always puzzled me about the 'Letters to the Editor' sections in the first issue of magazines is the question of how can someone write a letter to a magazine that hasn't come out yet? I'm sure you'll come up with some clever, yet dismissive, answer to this fundamental question but it still begs the issue entirely. Hey, did I just make a pun? Beg the 'issue' as in the first 'issue'. Hmmmm... either way, that doesn't excuse you for completely fabricating the first series of 'Letters to the Editor' as I feel that it sets a bad precedent by opening the door to the possibility of fabricating 'Letters to the Editor' from entirely fictitious people. How will we ever know which are real and which are complete fakes? Please clarify.
Signed - Bewildered & Perplexed
EDITOR's REPLY: You raise an interesting philosophical point, Bewildered. In fact, your query raises even thornier issues than you imply. For instance, if there's no way of determining whether you even exist, it also raises the equally relevant question of whether I, the Editor, exist, as well, or whether I'm also the figment of some duplicitous webmaster's cynical deception. I'm afraid that I'm so unsettled by this alarming prospect that I must rush off to the local pub for a pint to gain some perspective on this unsettling turn of events. I rather wish you'd kept these disturbing thoughts to yourself, but alas, the damage is done and there's no putting the genie back into the bottle or the toothpaste back into the tube or that cat back into the bag or any number of awkward metaphors for doing something that can't be easily undone. Thanks a lot, buddy. ED.
Subject: 'Letters to the Editor'
Text: Dear Editor,
What the hell was that all about? The guy asked you a simple, innocent question and you go and vilify him with some perfectly ridiculous existential rant. You know it is possible that preview copies were emailed to a sample group for the purpose of test-marketing and acquiring general feedback as well as generating a handful of 'Letters to the Editors' such as these. How come you didn't suggest that as a possibility? Why be so provocative? What's you're problem, anyway? Why can't people be more civil?
Signed - Annoyed and Disappointed
EDITOR's REPLY: Annoyed and Disappointed, You are obviously an idiot. Let's get something straight: this is not the CHAT page where we have to feign civility (That's the royal 'we' by the way!). As General Haig famously said after President Regan was shot, "I AM IN CONTROL!" Whew! Gee, that felt good. Now where was I? Oh yeah, uh... O.K. maybe I was a little out of line with my overly aggressive reply to your reasonable question. But, hey, nobody's perfect, least of all the crackpop, I mean crack team of journalists that are responsible for churning out this stuff month after month. Give us a break, huh! Tell you what: send us another 'Letter to the Editor' next month and we can put this unpleasant episode behind us. ED.
Please direct all 'Letters to the Editors' to editor@deanfriedman.com
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